Quick updates to yesterday's post:

Today Ronan was either naked or in underwear the entire time we were home and awake--about 3 hours in the morning and 4 in the afternoon/evening--and didn't have any accidents! He used a diaper when we were running errands, then he pooped in a diaper after nap but held his pee until he could sit on his potty after the diaper change. I am finding that he can go 2-3 hours between pees. Maybe he really is ready?!? Working on letting go of my reservations and really embracing this... 

Just please oh please, I don't want to do PLing twice like I did with Lily. Long story short--PLed and in undies for 2 mos, stubborn toddler decided to quit, back in diapers for 10 mos, then PLed again. Argh that was frustrating!

Also, Ronan started saying "a lot" and he says it very clearly. Woohoo for a new phrase! 

...just not sure whether it will be a short or long road this time!

Ronan is getting pretty good at using his potty first thing in the morning and after naps. He also wants to go after every diaper change (and doesn't want to put another diaper back on). If I let him run around naked he may go and use the potty, or we may sit there multiple times before he eventually leaves a puddle on the floor somewhere. Today he asked to go in the middle of the day and he actually went, and his diaper was dry. We are spending a lot of time in the bathroom right now!

I am not very good about relaxing during this process. Yesterday we actually left for a playgroup earlier than necessary, just so I could have the relief of putting a diaper on him for a while. I have put him in undies a few times to run around the house. He looks awfully cute in them but he doesn't really understand the point of them. He would rather be naked and have free access to his penis, LOL.

---------

On a completely unrelated note, a few people have asked how Ronan's speech therapy is going, so here's an update!

We were really lucky to get a friend and fellow member of our AP group as our SLP. She is wonderful and fun, my kids all love her, and I know she understands us. Now if Ronan starts asking for milk I don't have to pretend that he wants a glass of milk from the fridge. ;) She has been coming to our house every other week to work with Ronan (and us). It is going pretty well. He has started babbling more, is attempting a lot more words, and has added to his vocabulary a bit.

We are also working on signing so that Ronan has another way of communicating with us. He was not particularly interested in them as a baby, and he is still not using many, but he is beginning to get it. Sometimes he does kind of gibberish signing, where he waves his hands around randomly--aware that he can get things by signing, but not knowing the real sign to use!

Our speech therapist has helped us to see that they way he acquires language is unique to him. It is not necessarily the "normal" way or the way our other kids did. I was trying so hard to give him words for the things around him but he's not very interested in labeling things. He is much more into moving and going and how things work, so words like more, again, on, off, stop, and go are much more useful to him! It seems simple enough now, but it had never occurred to me. 

We are still a long way from the 25-50 words and two-word sentences that a lot of toddlers his age have. There are still only a handful of words/sounds that I would recognize without context. It was a little hard for me to realize that there are no exact answers out there... no one can tell me why Ronan's speech is delayed and no one can tell me when he will catch up. But I do feel like we are making progress, and that's something.

I get a particular humiliated feeling when I walk into a doctor or dentist's office and have to present my children's state medical cards. I hate having to be a medicaid patient. I know all of the reasons for our particular situation but the people at the office don't. It always feels like there is unspoken judging and assuming going on. Even if it's only in my own head, it makes me incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable.

Today I realized there is an even worse feeling. It starts spreading through you when are called to the receptionist desk and told that the state says you don't have any benefits right now, so they can't help you unless you can confirm that you have coverage. It gets worse when you spend 30 minutes in the waiting room on the phone (mostly on hold) with the medicaid people--only to find out that your renewal is still being processed, but they don't know when it will be done, and there is nothing anyone can do. It threatens to overwhelm you while you reschedule with stammered apologies and explanations, round up your kids, and beat an embarrassed retreat. Thankfully it doesn't fully peak until you are home behind a locked door and can let it all out.

I am tired of pretending everything is okay. I just can't do it any more today.