Today Ronan was either naked or in underwear the entire time we were home and awake--about 3 hours in the morning and 4 in the afternoon/evening--and didn't have any accidents! He used a diaper when we were running errands, then he pooped in a diaper after nap but held his pee until he could sit on his potty after the diaper change. I am finding that he can go 2-3 hours between pees. Maybe he really is ready?!? Working on letting go of my reservations and really embracing this... 

Just please oh please, I don't want to do PLing twice like I did with Lily. Long story short--PLed and in undies for 2 mos, stubborn toddler decided to quit, back in diapers for 10 mos, then PLed again. Argh that was frustrating!

Also, Ronan started saying "a lot" and he says it very clearly. Woohoo for a new phrase! 

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Ronan is getting pretty good at using his potty first thing in the morning and after naps. He also wants to go after every diaper change (and doesn't want to put another diaper back on). If I let him run around naked he may go and use the potty, or we may sit there multiple times before he eventually leaves a puddle on the floor somewhere. Today he asked to go in the middle of the day and he actually went, and his diaper was dry. We are spending a lot of time in the bathroom right now!

I am not very good about relaxing during this process. Yesterday we actually left for a playgroup earlier than necessary, just so I could have the relief of putting a diaper on him for a while. I have put him in undies a few times to run around the house. He looks awfully cute in them but he doesn't really understand the point of them. He would rather be naked and have free access to his penis, LOL.

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On a completely unrelated note, a few people have asked how Ronan's speech therapy is going, so here's an update!

We were really lucky to get a friend and fellow member of our AP group as our SLP. She is wonderful and fun, my kids all love her, and I know she understands us. Now if Ronan starts asking for milk I don't have to pretend that he wants a glass of milk from the fridge. ;) She has been coming to our house every other week to work with Ronan (and us). It is going pretty well. He has started babbling more, is attempting a lot more words, and has added to his vocabulary a bit.

We are also working on signing so that Ronan has another way of communicating with us. He was not particularly interested in them as a baby, and he is still not using many, but he is beginning to get it. Sometimes he does kind of gibberish signing, where he waves his hands around randomly--aware that he can get things by signing, but not knowing the real sign to use!

Our speech therapist has helped us to see that they way he acquires language is unique to him. It is not necessarily the "normal" way or the way our other kids did. I was trying so hard to give him words for the things around him but he's not very interested in labeling things. He is much more into moving and going and how things work, so words like more, again, on, off, stop, and go are much more useful to him! It seems simple enough now, but it had never occurred to me. 

We are still a long way from the 25-50 words and two-word sentences that a lot of toddlers his age have. There are still only a handful of words/sounds that I would recognize without context. It was a little hard for me to realize that there are no exact answers out there... no one can tell me why Ronan's speech is delayed and no one can tell me when he will catch up. But I do feel like we are making progress, and that's something.

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Today I realized there is an even worse feeling. It starts spreading through you when are called to the receptionist desk and told that the state says you don't have any benefits right now, so they can't help you unless you can confirm that you have coverage. It gets worse when you spend 30 minutes in the waiting room on the phone (mostly on hold) with the medicaid people--only to find out that your renewal is still being processed, but they don't know when it will be done, and there is nothing anyone can do. It threatens to overwhelm you while you reschedule with stammered apologies and explanations, round up your kids, and beat an embarrassed retreat. Thankfully it doesn't fully peak until you are home behind a locked door and can let it all out.

I am tired of pretending everything is okay. I just can't do it any more today.

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Out of the last 10 births I've attended, five were close friends where I had some idea I would be their doula from early in the pregnancy, one was a last-minute call by an acquaintance in labor, two were as a midwife's assistant, and two (the first two of the ten) were couples who hired me after an interview. With those stats you can see why I have forgotten what it is like to really be interviewed, to "sell myself" and tell someone why I am the best doula they could hire!

I was a little nervous as I drove home from their house. I thought they would be a wonderful couple to work with and we would make a great birth team. But did I come across well? Did my answers line up with their expectations? It is so hard to tell after an interview!

Apparently I did fine, because she contacted me today to say they'd like to hire me. Woohoo! They are not due until mid-March, so we have lots of time to get to know each other and prepare for an awesome birth. :)

The other thing I had to do before this meeting was update all of my doula paperwork. All of my forms, folders, and cards still had my old phone numbers and e-mail on them. The last time I handed them out (to a very good friend, luckily) I had to cross that out and write my new info in by hand! She kept finding new places that had outdated information on it and making fun of me. So now I have crisp new versions of everything.

It feels good to be up-to-date and working again!

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Lily was very excited at dinner today when she realized she had a *very* loose tooth. She was going to lay in bed and wiggle it and wiggle it and her tooth was going to give her good dreams and and and... :)

Well she did not even make it to bedtime, it came out before 8:00. The trick of wiggling it in a circle works again! She was over the moon about her first lost tooth and, even better, the grown up tooth that will come in soon! This event has now replaced being a flower girl as "the best day ever!"

Nerdy mom note, the first tooth lost was also the first tooth she ever got, just shy of 5 years ago. How did she get so grown up? *sniff*

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He is 20 months old now (or 21 months if you adjust for his actual due date LOL). He does not have consistent words for any of us. He'll say something once or twice and then I'll never hear it again and start to wonder if I imagined it. His main sounds are "ba" or "ba-oo" and occasinally "duh," "meh," or "la." When I talk to him and label things for him (in hopes of him repeating) I only get those sounds back in response. That makes it hard for me to tell if he's saying specific things like ball, bird, and book or if he's only saying his all-purpose "ba." "Ba-oo" might be used when he wants to go in the bathroom or it might be used when he is hungry or wants to nurse. Once in a while he'll pat my chest and say "meh" and I think, yay, he has the word milk! But then the next 10 times he'll say "ba" and no matter how many times I say, "that's right, that's the milk, do you want milk?" I will only hear more "ba." Or he makes a specific screech "iiiee" whenever he sees our cats--is that a word or not? But then sometimes he'll point at a cat and say "ma" and I can't tell if he is pointing out the cat's mouth or if he is totally confused and calling the cat "ma."

On the other hand, his receptive language is amazing and he seems to hear everything. If I tell Aden to put shoes on, Ronan will come running in a minute later with Aden's shoes. If I ask if he can jump or dance (no demonstration) he does it. His eye contact, personal interactions, and expressiveness through his face and body are really good. He tries really hard, he just can't seem to say what he wants to say.

I've heard all the excuses, "Oh, third child, boy, that's normal" etc. but as I began paying really close attention to how we interact with him, I didn't think that was it. The older two play together a lot so I actually spend *more* time alone with him, talking to him, reading to him, labeling things for him, repeating what he says, etc. I did not really see any instances of the older kids talking for him either.

So, today he had an evaluation through the county's infant-toddler services. A family coordinator and a speech therapist came to our home together. They played with him for a while and said he needs a 25% delay to qualify for services, which would be speech at/below a 15-month-old's level, and he definitely qualifies. There was no hesitation at all, so I guess it must be pretty obvious. They commented in particular on his lack of babbling and lack of imitation. They also said we should probably do a hearing test since he has never had one, but as they watched they didn't see any reason to be concerned. 

On the upside, they were also impressed by how well he follows directions and imitates actions. They kept saying how smart he is. When we were playing together he fell; a minute later he took off for the kitchen and started moving one of the chairs. I said, "I bet he wants an icepack from the freezer" and they couldn't believe it. Sure enough, he pushed the chair to the freezer, tried to open it, then turned to whine at me. I got him one and when he was done with it he went back and actually did get the freezer open and put it away!

So, once a week in-home speech therapy starting soon. After 8 weeks we might go to every other week depending on how he's doing. I am glad that the delay was clear enough to qualify for services, rather than hearing "oh, he's a little behind but not enough for services, see us again in 6 months" or something like that. I was also impressed by the way the family coordinator talked about finding a therapist who was a good match for our family and letting her know right away if I have any concerns or issues with the therapist assigned to us.

I am anxious to see what kinds of things they do with him. I will keep updating!

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Countdown to a big trip and I should be packing, altering Lily's flower girl dress, etc. So of course it seemed like the perfect time to clean out the basement. I unpacked the many, many, MANY boxes of my old books that my mom recently brought us, got Derek to build shelves for them, and rearranged every book in the house until all of them were in the perfect spot.

For reference, those shelves are almost 8 feet long. I had a LOT of books as a kid! These are mostly all young adult fiction, with some children's books on the bottom two shelves. Hard to believe that there is at least one bookshelf in each child's room too, and a six-foot tall bookshelf on the other side of the basement for random textbooks, reference books, and magazines, AND three more shelves in the main parts of the house for non-fiction books and homeschool stuff...

...for grown-up fiction...

...and for yearbooks, baby books, photo albums, magazines, and medical/birth/childrearing books.

Correction... WE have a LOT of books!

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Drove way out to BFE to the playgroup. This seems to be the norm for all of our homeschooling activities by the way... 30 minutes to this, 25 to that... now I understand why a person would need a term such as "carschooling" LOL. The playgroup was at a park we'd never been to, and up until the second we got there I was convinced that Google was sending me to a cornfield. Lovely brand new park with a fun and unique lay-out, but seriously, why build it in the middle of nowhere?

I do really like this group though. That has been our biggest homeschooling challenge so far--finding the activities and groups that are the best fit for all of us. Most people would probably expect the challenge to be spending so much time with your children and not going crazy, but that part just feels like parenting to me.

Later I spent 2.5 hours (sans kiddos) at Costco while the tire was repaired. I like Costco and all but that's a long time to hang out there. Free samples only last so long. I did however get to finish the book I'm Looking Through You: Growing Up Haunted by Jennifer Boylan. I really liked it. I know that's not a very deep review but I'm still processing. I think it's the kind of book that would be worth a re-read now that I have all of the pieces of the puzzle.

Meanwhile, Derek sent me a text that he had a surprise for me. I was hopeful that Aden had finally lost his tooth or some more boxes had been unpacked in the basement (long stories). Oh no. I came home to a box holding yet another kitten! This is the tenth one we've found in our yard over the past 18 months. I'm not sure what about our yard screams, "Have your kittens here! These people are suckers!" but argh. This one is a sweet little girl, not very wild at all, with fluffy brown and black tabby stripes over most of her body and a white belly and legs. She ought to be easy to put into a home but every shelter and rescue I've called is too full to take her. What the heck am I going to do now? Aden's allergies will flair up if we keep her in the house and we have a vacation coming up before long. Double argh. 

Let's see, then we ate dinner, Derek left for poker night, we cleaned and fed the kitten and settled her in a fresh box in the garage, the kids all got showered, I attempted to put Lily's hair up in foam rollers for the first time (we're experimenting with fancy flowergirl-worthy hairdos), and now I'm having a glass of wine.

I was going to title this "Long Day" or "Busy Day" but I just realized, it was just a day. Not that much longer or crazier than any other around here. Just another day. I guess that is good?!?

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So, moving on to brighter and happier parts of our trip. We were in the car 5-8 hours every day but the kids did remarkably well. Poor Ronan, every time he fell asleep someone needed to pee and we had to stop and he got woken up. But for an 18-month-old he did really great. Wisconsin is absolutely beautiful. We had gorgeous weather everywhere we went. On the 4th of July we spend the night in Minneapolis, made a quick trip to the Mall of America and the cool aquarium there, and saw some great fireworks by the riverfront. I got to spend four solid days with my husband whom I rarely see these days. And it felt great to get back home at the end of the trip.

Lessons learned:

1. Pack however many toys you think will entertain your toddler, then go back inside and pack 3 times more.

2. If you go see fireworks in an unfamiliar town and you don't know where to park, do not under any circumstances park in a parking garage (or "ramp" as they call them in Minneapolis) and especially not on the 8th floor. I thought we were NEVER going to get out of there.

3. Saving the DVD player for a true emergency is a smart move. See #2.

4. Put your camera in your purse instead of the car bag, or the only pictures you will have will be of the kids sitting in the car. Mom of the year, here I come.

5. Do not hand your toddler a breakfast burrito to eat in their carseat.

6. If you cry at a wedding people will assume you are crying for good reasons and not bad.

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I'm trying to include picture of all of us. I notice that I see a lot more pictures of my friends' kids than I do of my friends... (hint, hint).

The kids on our horse swing, way back in April when we still needed long sleeves!

Me holding my niece Lyric in early May.

Me running the limbo bar (aka yardstick with streamers) at Lily's 5th birthday party. You can also see Aden in the blue Wall-E shirt and the back of Lily in the white dress with the big pink bow.

Lily at the Mexican restaurant she picked for her birthday dinner (the kind where every single waiter comes over and they sing to you very loudly and you feel really embarrassed and wish you could disappear into the big hat and hope the free ice cream is worth it. Except she loved it!).

Derek and the big kids ready to leave for their camping trip over Memorial Day weekend.

Ronan and Aden and our cat Elton. I love the expression on Ronan's face though I'm not sure if he's giving the cat a kiss, saying meow, or just thrilled that the cat is there!

Because there were not enough trains and track in my house (yeah right), Ronan got some trains and track of his very own in June. Aden was very sweet as he showed him how to put the trains together and build a track.

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At some point in my college years I started planning a tattoo based on that design. I cut out the picture and saved it. When Aden was a baby I took the picture to two tattoo artists and was told that it wouldn't work in the size and location I wanted. Three years ago when my sister was dating a tattoo artist I picked his brain about it and he said he could do it. Derek and I made plans to get tattoos together in February 2007 but then I found out I was pregnant. He went and got a beautiful wedding ring design while I watched (green with both envy and morning sickness LOL).

Another year passed and it returned to the forefront of my mind. I couldn't find the design any more so I began sketching it until it was just right. Then I had second thoughts about the location (despite 10+ years of being certain) and spent another year debating alternate spots. Finally I decided on my original location because I simply couldn't imagine it anywhere else. Then I spent a few weeks deciding between color and black & white. Another few weeks procrastinating about making the appointment.

Sheesh, get the damn thing already, right?

I finally did it on Monday!

I absolutely love it! :D

Also, happily, it did not hurt much at all. More so near the ankle bone, achille's tendon, and bottom. Just when it would get so irritating I almost couldn't stand it, he'd stop to wipe it off or get more ink. It reminded me of the breaks you get in labor between contractions LOL.

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However, on re-examination during daylight hours, the idea of using a full Sigg bottle as a blunt weapon against imaginary intruder still seems sound. Those suckers are heavy. You could really bash someone's face in with one of those.

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The day after I wrote the last entry four out of the 10 died so I went searching for answers. I had done a lot of reading when we first brought them home and knew it was normal to lose a lot of them, but nearly half in one day was rather upsetting. I found a reference to a bacterial infection that makes it hard to raise this kind of caterpillar inside. It makes them spit up or have runny poo and then it kills them. Many of the caterpillars that died had seemed to be in a "puddle." Aha! It would have been nice to read that little tidbit the first time I did my research! I quickly quarantined the rest and hoped there were at least one or two who had not been infected. Most of them showed symptoms quickly but one lasted for nearly a week, eating nonstop and seeming very healthy. Until it just wasn't... 

Definitely a bummer, but you live and learn right? I hope we get to try again, maybe they will hand them out at Science Night again next year. I did take some pictures of them in the various stages and if there are good ones I will post them. They were really cool looking caterpillars.

For future reference though, the painted lady caterpillars that you get with the butterfly kits are much, much easier and quicker to raise!

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It seems to me that blogging in general is getting slower though. I haven't changed the enrollment on my Bloglines but I go days without having any new blogs to read. Is facebook stealing all the bloggers? Not that I am on facebook, no sirree I do not need any more time sucking internet sites to keep up with. I am a hold-out. But from what I hear you post little mini status updates and leave comments back and forth on people's walls, right? I can see how that would take the place of updating a blog.

Hmm.

Moving on to actual news about us, we have 10 new household members now! We went to Science Night at the library two weeks ago and came home with Cecropia moth caterpillars. Originally we had 17 but unfortunately the numbers have fallen slowly. I can't really figure out why some are thriving and others aren't. But, considering that by the time they are ready to form a pupa they will each be bigger than my thumb... it is probably best to have fewer of them! I just hope at least 1-2 makes it that long. Then we have to keep the pupa safe until *next* May or June when the moth will be ready to come out and take flight. They are the biggest moths in North America--bigger than my hand! Google them, they are very cool.

I've been reading a lot. And not just internet information about caterpillars. I read actual books too. ;) And I have really been on a roll lately. It helps that Aden is reading cool, interesting books now--gives me an excuse to "check them out" before he reads them. I have always liked young adult fiction. Maybe because my mom is an elementary school librarian, eh?

A few friends with sons recommended the Percy Jackson & the Olympians series. I love them! I went through the first three in a matter of days and have had to restrain myself from rushing out to get the fourth. But first I had to finish Inkheart for a bookclub tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it, but honestly I didn't think it was that great. It seemed slow to me. I'm interested to see what everyone else thought. Last month we read The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio and a few months before that we read Abundance (a novel about Marie Antoinette). I liked that one quite a bit and wanted more background so I checked out the biography it was based on, Marie Antoinette: The Journey. I am ashamed to admit how many times I rechecked it but I finally finished it this month also.

We also listen to a lot of books on CD in the car now. Aden and Lily both enjoy that and I enjoy the peace and quiet! We've gone through two Superfudge books, then Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and The Witches (I love Roald Dahl), a few of Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events (ugh, not a big fan, are there really 13 of them? Sheesh), and now we've hit upon Mary Pope Osborne's retelling of The Odyssey. (She's the author of the Magic Treehouse series.) I was hoping to find something that would give the kids a little more background in Greek mythology to go along with the Percy Jackson books, and this is perfect. And interesting for me, too!

The other cool thing about audio books is the celebs who narrate them. I had no idea! Eric Idle and Vanessa Redgrave read the two Roald Dahl books... Tim Curry does the Lemony Snicket ones... and some great Shakespearean author reads The Odyssey. So fun!

ETA: I thought I posted this last week and wondered why no one had read or commented. Then I realized it was still listed as a draft. Does that move me up even higher into the "Worst blogger ever" list? Sheesh.

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I am sitting here feeling very emotional. I am happy and grateful to have my daughter in my life. She is such a beautiful, wonderful, smart, funny, animated little girl. I am equally amazed by her newfound reading skills, her silly jokes, her deep questions, and her passionate arguments.

I can't wait to watch her grow up, to see what direction her life takes, and hopefully someday, to hold her daughter.

I am also sad for some of the changes and losses of the last five years. When I think of Lily's birth I miss our old house, our old friends, and especially my doula and good friend, who moved away three weeks later and whose absence I still feel very strongly. And my thoughts have been turning often to my mother-in-law. She was here in our house a year ago to celebrate Lily's birthday and Mother's Day, but this year we are have only memories. So much has changed, what will another year bring?

What a deep and sometimes bittersweet journey is motherhood! Thank goodness it brings such rich blessings with it, in the form of these amazing little people.

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Last week Derek left the company that has been jerking him around all winter and went to work for a new one. Ironically it is the company we moved here for 2.5 years ago. They ran out of work back then but they have a big job on a sports stadium now. He completed his first solid week of work and brought home a real paycheck this week. We can get by on unemployment or side jobs, but it is amazing how much a real paycheck helps! I can pay all of the bills and still have money left to put into savings, towards debt, or possibly even for fun things. Cross your fingers that it continues for a long, long time!

We have been listening to Dave Ramsey for about two years now and following his baby steps to financial freedom. We aren't great with budgeting, it is just so frustrating and depressing when you don't have a dependable income to budget with. But we don't buy a lot of extras and we were already used to living pretty conservatively. We do eat out more than we should--that is the hardest convenience/luxury item for us to give up. Anyway, even with the job ups and downs, we've managed to pay off over $9,000 in debt since September 2007. It feels so good to see the numbers decreasing. We are really rolling along on it now. If the job situation remains good I think we will be debt free except for the house by the end of the year. We have already built our savings up a bit more than he advises, because of the uncertain nature of D's work. But we'll need to save more to really be secure, then work on retirement and college funds. Then our goal would be to pay off the house before Aden goes to college. Wouldn't that be awesome???

It is funny, he says that if you buckle down and start the paying off your debts then it is amazing what can happen. Little unexpected windfalls will appear to push you along faster. I was skeptical of that part. Karma has not exactly been our friend lately. But you know, he might be right. We put all of our tax refund toward paying off my van and part of a credit card. I was a little sad to not keep any money to spend for fun, but we did it anyway. And then this week, we got a letter from the mortgage company saying our estimated ecrow amount is going down for the next year, leading to a lower payment, AND we are getting a $475 check from them to pay back the overage from the past year. Money we can put straight toward that next chunk of credit card debt. Woohoo!

It is so much easier to feel motivated about all of this when a good paycheck comes in. So really, I'll say it again, cross your fingers for us! :)

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I don't think many of their clothes from last summer will fit...

They are also growing so quickly in non-physical ways. Ronan is trying out a few more words, Lily is starting to read, and Aden has reached the point where he is reading whenever and wherever he can. I love it, because I was the kid who always had her nose stuck in a book. It makes my heart so happy to see him following suit.

He went through two and a half Magic Treehouse books last Thursday, and he'll finish a Junie B. Jones book between the time that I tell him goodnight and when he turns his light out to sleep. I read Harry Potter aloud at bedtime and then he reads ahead. I'm not sure what to direct him towards next. Derek and I both loved Beverly Cleary books as kids but Aden wasn't very interested in "Henry and Beezus" that he checked out from the library last week. Today I found the "Pick Your Own Adventure" books that I remember fondly so we'll see what he thinks. A lot of the other books I loved, like those by Roald Dahl and Avi, are still a little beyond him. Any other suggestions?

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The chairs live on top of the table when not in use but you'd be amazed at all the other household items that work as step stools in a pinch!

We frequently call him "The Ronanator" or "Mr. Destructo" or "Little Monster." Nicknames given lovingly, of course. ;)

On the plus side, he is going to be independent before I know it. He can be mostly trusted to go up and down stairs on his own so we may be able to remove the baby gates soon. And I can let him wander around the yard pretty freely now while I get yardwork and gardening done... though he did learn to open the gate today and I sprouted several more gray hairs as I ran to the front yard and yelled for him and looked wildly up and down my street without seeing him. (He was on the neighbor's front porch.) I am sure it will not be long before he wakes in the morning and goes downstairs with the others to watch cartoons. I will find him on the countertops getting his own bowl of cereal! 

I also should add, he is sleeping through the night (from 7 pm to between 4-6 am) pretty reliably now. Yay! The trade-off? He has started getting up for the day around 6:00-6:30 am. Yawn. My coffee consumption is up too.

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I used to really believe in the value of a public school education, of being involved in our neighborhood public school, of working within the school to make it better. I thought that we could supplement at home as needed, get the kids into the gifted program for some extra challenges, etc. That was how I was educated and I really loved school and was successful at it. Last year was great. Aden had a teacher who understood him and knew how to keep him (and all of the students) interested and involved. But this year... not so much. A bored, energetic boy in the wrong hands gets labelled "troublemaker" very quickly.

So I have this sweet, sensitive little boy, a child that other adults have told me is "polite" and "a joy to be around," a smart kid whose last teacher admitted that she did not always understand how his brain worked but that he could do some pretty amazing things with it... and he's been coming home telling us he's bored, he's not learning anything in school, and worse yet he's been in trouble again and again. He doesn't usually understand why. Sometimes the reasons (that I can deduce) are valid and sometimes they make no sense to me either. Regardless, they are probably things he would be happy to do correctly if a) he had a quick explanation "why" so it didn't seem so arbitrary; and b) he were interested and engaged and didn't have so much time to get into trouble. Oh, but throwing some extra worksheets his way is not enough to solve the problem. He wants to be challenged but he doesn't want to do it alone... he still wants to be taught, to have help with the subject matter. Which is the point of school, right? Not to mention that all the extra worksheets in the world are just that, extra work, and don't make up for having to do the same basic exercises day after day after demonstrating mastery of them weeks ago.

It is such a convoluted mess that I can't really even sum it all up. We tried having meetings with the teachers earlier in the year, when he was crying about school and didn't want to go anymore. But we didn't come out of them feeling any better. I quit asking for meetings when I realized that I could not come up with any outcome that would be both feasible and satisfactory to all involved. And after trying to talk to Aden, get to the reasons behind the behaviors, enforce consequences at home on the days when he'd had to "refocus" in class, etc. we were still not any closer to improving anything. I have spent so much time feeling frustrated and worried and not knowing what to do. Derek finally pointed out that this felt very similar to his own school days and that eventually he'd decided that he *was* just a bad kid and he might as well act like one. Which eventually led to skipping school, failing classes, having no confidence in his ability to learn, and no interest in higher education. Obviously not the path I would like Aden to take!

I have found myself returning over and over to this recent quote from Heather Cushman-Dowdee (author of the "Mama Is" and "Hathor the Cowgoddess" comics): "I always remember that ‘children are behaving as well as they can in any given situation’. Does the behavior suck? Probably the situation sucks more. Fix it. Don’t try and ‘fix’ your kids…" It really resonates with me. It was the final nudge I needed.  

I am excited. I think we will love homeschooling. But I'll be honest, I was also really sad today when we left school. This past year has not been the experience I wanted him to have and that is tough to watch as a parent. These kind of parental decisions come with so much stress and second-guessing and guilt. It is hard to let go of the familiar vision you had and take that step into the unknown. So much of my life (present and future, because I was picturing 13 years of involvement at that school) was wrapped up in the school schedule, walking to school, the people we saw there every day, what it would be like as Lily and Ronan entered that school, etc. This is going to be very different. We are going to take it year by year and child by child, so there's a lot more uncertainty than before. I try to look ahead to what homeschooling will be like and some parts feel so right, and other parts are just blank because I don't even know what to expect! 

Aden, on the other hand, is just excited. His friends were sad to see him go but he wasn't sad to leave. Tonight at bedtime he said, "So we're going to start homeschooling on Monday?" I said, "Well, we get to homeschool whenever we want to. Every day we can learn." He thought about this a minute and then he said, "You mean I get to learn about things whenever I want to?" He was stoked. 

There are a TON of homeschool groups here. We will stay busy, that's for sure. Wish us luck as we navigate this new adventure!

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Oh, you mean you cannot cure a year and a half of sleep deprivation in one night? Damn, I am so screwed.

Here's hoping it becomes a more regular occurrence though. I've been working on night weaning Ronan for the past month and it has gone really smoothly. Actually, the biggest challenge was that he would always wake up 5 minutes after I fell asleep. Seriously, he *knew* every time I fell asleep no matter what time it was. It was making me crazy. He was down the hall in his own room, door closed, how did he know I was going to sleep??? And then the only ways he wanted to go back to sleep involved nursing. So Derek started taking that waking and I started not nursing then or the rest of the night until 4:30ish when Derek was getting up to go to work. When Ronan does wake he accepts his pacifier and a snuggle and the explanation that the milk is all gone right now. I guess he was ready because it worked quickly with no tears. He did better and better until he actually slept until 5:30 one morning. Then he started getting a new molar, and we all got the cold that never ends... it hasn't all been all sunshine and roses. But today he slept until 6:30 so maybe we are back on track now. Cross your fingers!

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She is nursing like a pro already. Thank goodness for that. :) They have had a long road already... first there was the difficult pregnancy with 40 pounds lost due to morning sickness and gall bladder attacks. Then the fatigue from nearly a week of trying to induce (yes, really, it is crazy, don't even get me started). Now a c-section recovery. In the next few days my sister will be having her gall bladder removed too! Not to mention that she is doing all of this without a supportive partner. So I really, really want some part of this to go smoothly and easily for her!

*lots of love and good thoughts*

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But today I have time, Ronan has a mild (I hope) puking virus and just wants to lay on me and sleep/nurse. Luckily milk is staying down.

I've been running again. It is part of my desire to be healthier and take care of myself more. I'm up to 2.5 miles, with plans for a 5K on Mother's Day. I've lost close to 5 pounds since New Year's but I'm not seeing/feeling a change yet. But I know I'm making progress as my runs increase in length. 

I'm having fun knitting socks with self-striping yarn. Harry Potter yarn no less! It's the Draco colorway, which I rather hated to buy, but it was that or Lupin at my LYS. Don't know why I haven't tried this particular knitting endeavor before! I think I need to knit socks all spring and summer and then buy a really cute pair of mary janes so I can show them off next fall.

Oh wow, I just tried to find a pic of said mary janes and came across the Dansko Outlet. How cool is that?

Speaking of Harry Potter, the kids and I just finished reading the first book and started the second. Aden is so excited that he is reading ahead--and I am so excited that he finally has found enough confidence in his reading to do so!

Ah, here's something wonderful. I attended a birth Sunday morning! And have another one due any time. I had almost forgotten how much I love being at births, how right it feels to hold mama's hand and lock eyes with her and remind her how amazing and strong she is. :)

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• Lily was following a ballet video, and he kept walking over to her and pushing her (trying to play). I told him twice, "You can't push Lily. She's trying to dance with her video. That isn't nice." So he headed towards her a third time. He looked at her, looked at the TV, and started to "dance" (bob up and down). They danced together long enough that I could grab the video camera. :)
• He has been seeking me out to play with him. He brings me shoebox-sized tubs of toys and wants me to open them. He can't say "open" but he is pretty expressive with his actions, purposefully giving it to me, etc. We go through rituals of opening it, getting a few things out, naming them, putting them away, putting the lid on, and then he indicates that he wants me to open it again. Over and over we do this.
• He showed his first interest in a book last night. Well, other than for chewing on, playing with, standing on, or throwing LOL. I was trying to read "Moo, Baa, La La La" to him. As usual he wanted to flip the pages back and forth and take it away, but I persisted. When I was done I handed it to him. He started to walk off with it but brought it back to me and opened it. I read it again. He handed it to me again. So we read it three times in a row.
• He's working so hard on new words. I think he tried to repeat "mama milk" yesterday and the one of the cats' names today. He watches me so intently when I repeat words. "Bink" and "fish" and "ball" are especially interesting to him.
• He's grumpy from teething and not napping well. If I pull him onto my lap he'll throw himself backwards into a nursing position. A few minutes ago he nursed for a short while, then squirmed around and slid off my lap. I asked him if he was all done and he nodded (he LOVES to nod, he is my little yes-man). Then off he went as fast as his legs would carry him, waving both hands up and down in the air with a little sing-songy voice thrown in. All is right with the world after a little milk!

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This has actually been a quiet year for us, Christmas-wise. (Another made-up word, sorry.) We'll ultimately have the same number of celebrations as usual, but they are further spread out than normal. Our traditional Christmas Eve at my mom's was moved to the 26th this year and our celebration with my dad, normally done around his birthday on the 29th, was moved to the weekend after New Year's.

So we spent a quiet Christmas Eve at home with my BIL and his girlfriend, eating take-out and putting together the kids' Santa presents. Christmas morning was lovely and the kids loved their gifts (easel and art supplies for Lily, Wii guitar and game for Aden, baby doll for Ronan). Then my mom came over for brunch, more presents, a lazy afternoon, and a big dinner that we made together. The next evening we went to her house to see my family on that side. Then the big kids spent the weekend at her house so I had some time to put my house back into some semblance of order. Wonderful!

I can gripe about my BIL's visit or my food poisoning incident later. All in all, our holidays have been lovely and we just feel blessed to celebrate with our loved ones. :)

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