Steamed!

I had the most infuriating conversation with my father yesterday, and it is still bothering me. My father is a conservative doctor, and out of every medical or parenting issue we've ever discussed we pretty much agree on only one topic, and that is the over-treatment of ear infections. Thank goodness there is at least one topic we can discuss and agree on, because ever since I decided to be a mom rather than pursue a big career, we really have nothing else to talk about. So this conversation actually started out as a fairly nice conversation about a new Scandinavian study showing no difference between the treatment of acute otitis media (ear infections) with augmentin versus a placebo. Then we began dissecting why it takes so long for research to trickle down into the actual treatment practices and that's where I did it--I used as a parallel the fact that research has shown that continuous electronic fetal monitoring does not protect against birth injury, yet in every hospital women are still being hooked up to EFMs for the duration of their labor.

I should interject here that my father and I do not talk about birth. At all. We especially do not talk about my birthing choices or how he feels about them. I did not inform him of our homebirth plans because I was not interested in debating my choice (a very thoroughly researched choice, I might add) so instead he found out when he saw the birth announcement. Once, years ago, we discussed the book Midwives and he expressed his opinion that homebirthing was irresponsible and asked why any sensible person would put themselves and their child at risk by depriving themselves of all that modern technology has to offer. I tried to raise alternative viewpoints and when he wouldn't even consider them I decided that it was not worth trying to discuss birth with him ever again, and I haven't.

So why I had to bring up the use of EFM in labor, I don't know. In fact, when I called my sister later to complain that our father was an ass, she said "Well, what did you expect, bringing up birth with Dad? What were you thinking?"

But I digress. I brought it up as a simple example, and he had to respond with, "Well, but why not use EFM in labor? It's not hurting anything. There's no reason not to do it. I'd want any wife of mine to be monitored throughout labor." So I tried to explain the whole cycle, that actually by confining a woman to bed, EFM can be harmful because it may lead to a need for other interventions which are more dangerous. It was all downhill from there. I got to hear about how he's been on an obstetrical rotation (my mom is quick to remind me that it was one rotation, where he delivered one baby, about 28 years ago) and things can go from fine to dead baby in 10 minutes and you need the constant monitoring and besides that the hospitals have to have the EFM because if they don't and they get sued they will lose, period. So I argued back with the studies that have shown that intermittent monitoring by qualified people is just as effective and that you can't tell me that a tracing by a machine that is being monitored by a nurse down the hall can ever replace the constant one-on-one presence of a skilled midwife who is checking baby, watching mom's body language, etc. He told me that actually, he does think a machine can do a better job. And that in a crisis situation, time matters and there is a huge difference between getting a baby out in 10 minutes versus 15 minutes. And also, that even a free-standing birth center across the street from a hospital is too far because you need to be in a hospital where you are only 30 feet from the c-section room. And then he topped it all off with, "That's why I think midwives should be put in jail, and parents who choose homebirth are criminally negligent." 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF????????????????????????????????????????

I am still aghast at that statement. I have been through so many emotions but I still can't process that level of... hate? ignorance? bigotry? narrow-mindedness? I don't even have a word for it. Derek says I should have hung up on him but somehow I used the kids as an excuse to get off the phone. First I was frazzled, then angry as I thought of all the things I should have said. Then it made me want to have a few more babes at home just to piss him off, and go ahead and become a midwife just so I could vicariously piss him off more each time he had to tell someone what his daughter did for a living. Then I settled down and remembered that he's an ass, but that somewhere deep inside I'm sure he was trying to tell me he didn't think I was making safe choices and he was worried because he cares. And I rationalized that really, I always expected him to say negative things about our homebirth and he had shown a great deal of restraint by keeping that opinion to himself for nearly a year already. So I tried to let it go but that didn't work so well. I keep coming back to a few points:

How can someone who has always believed that certain interventions were being overused unnecessarily in his own profession be so unwilling to consider that this is true of obstetrical interventions as well? And how can someone who is constantly citing the most current research in his field be utterly dismissive of the research I brought up? And why, for once, can he not appreciate that this is my passion, this is an area I know a *lot* about so I might have a valid point? Strangely, the implication that Derek and I made a criminal choice is not bothering me all that much (although it has my husband fuming) because I think that was probably not how he meant for it to come out. But the fact that he won't listen to me, won't consider another point of view, won't admit for once that he might not know everything... I think that's what hit me the hardest. He has always been this way, and I've never really seen the point of debating with him. But this time... I really think this is a turning point, because I just cannot take this. I am not letting this one go. I am calling him on this one, dammit. 

So, any thoughts or ideas are appreciated. I've thought of and discarded a lot of plans, but I know I cannot call him up and try to talk to him about it again. Speaking to him in person intimidates me, and I will lose track of my facts and he'll just run me over. So I'm working on a letter, and I actually hope maybe we can just begin a dialogue that way. I also think I'm going to send him a copy of Henci Goer's Obstetric Myths versus Research Realities for good measure (so if anyone has a used copy for cheap...) but the more I think about it, this really isn't about birth anymore. As I've been writing this I've lost some of the anger and indignation and instead, I find myself feeling that this is a crossroads, and how I approach it might mean the difference between a continuation of this pseudo-relationship we have now and a real relationship where he respects who I have become since I have left his expected path and traveled my own. You can probably sense that there's a lot of water under this bridge, can't you? Is it too much to think we can ever get to the other side intact?