Undercover Hippie
The Story of Lily Kathryn
posted Wed, 05-04-05
Lily was born on May 4, 2004 after a long and impatient wait. As each day took me further past my due date, I wondered how labor would start, how I would know I was in labor, and (as I passed 41 weeks) whether my body even knew how to start labor. But eventually it happened. I woke up at 3:11 am on May 4th 2004 as a wave of sharp cramps tightened in my lower belly accompanied by intense cervical pricklies, and I knew instantly that this was it! My first thought was double-edged: An excited, “Oh yeah, that’s what labor feels like!” and a dreaded, “Oh crap, THAT’s what labor feels like.”
I got up to pee and then went back to bed to wait for another contraction. It was a long 17 minutes before the pain and pricklies began again. Already it took all of my attention as I gently breathed through it. I decided I would try to go back to sleep before the next contraction, but 4 or 5 minutes later another one began. After it was over I woke up Derek and said, “I think I’m having real contractions!” When he found out I’d only had 3 contractions he asked if he could go back to sleep! I agreed that staying in bed and getting some rest was a good idea, until another contraction came only 4 minutes later. At that point I decided that maybe it would be a better idea to get up and start preparing. This was really happening!
Derek went to call our midwife, Fran, while I went to the bathroom again. This time I had some bloody show, a wonderful confirmation that my body was really starting to work. By the time I left the bathroom I’d had several more contractions so I told Derek that Fran shouldn’t wait too long before leaving Lawrence. She said she would be here by 6:00. Then we went back to the bedroom and Derek called our friend and doula, Sarieah, who said she could be over in 40 minutes. I was leaning on my dresser breathing through another contraction at that point and thought that 40 minutes was a long time to wait! Derek began to get the bed ready while I went to post a quick message to some online friends. As I was sitting at the computer, one hour into my labor, I realized my contractions were coming every 3 minutes. They were not much more intense than when I first awoke, but I was surprised at the frequency and hoped it meant my labor would progress fairly quickly.
I went back to the bedroom, helped Derek finish making the bed, and decided it was time to call my mom. Although she was a bit nervous about our homebirth plans, we had decided that she was the absolute best person to be with Aden during my labor. I could hear the excitement in her voice when she answered the phone. I said “Hi Mom!” and she immediately asked, “Is this it?” I told her it was, what had been going on so far, that Fran and Sarieah were on their way, and that she didn’t need to hurry since we expected Aden to sleep for a while longer. She said she would leave as soon as she could and try to get here shortly after 6:00.
It was around 4:30 when I got off the phone. I asked Derek to bring me a bowl of cereal and something to drink. My contractions slowed down as I sat on the bed eating, which was nice but also had me a little concerned. It couldn’t be a false alarm, could it? Luckily Sarieah arrived just as I was finishing my cereal. I was so excited to see her! She brought an aura of wonderful energy to the room and suggested that Derek and I go for a walk in the gorgeous pre-dawn morning. I had been thinking the same thing so I put on my shoes and a jacket and Derek and I headed out the door while Sarieah stayed home with the still-sleeping Aden.
The weather outside was beautiful. It was still dark and a little cool. As we headed down our block it felt so amazing to be walking around outside, with this big exciting event happening to us, while all of our neighbors slept on, oblivious inside their homes. A few lonely cars drove by and I wondered what they thought of us, or if they had any clue what was happening. At one point we walked by a huge honeysuckle bush and stopped for a few moments to savor its sweet fragrance. We paused every so often when a contraction came so I could lean into Derek and breathe through them. I discovered that the warmth and pressure of his hand provided a wonderful distraction to the pains underneath my belly, so when I announced that a contraction was starting he would cradle my belly with one hand while supporting me with his other arm around my back. Slowly we made our way around the block, and as we neared our house the contractions were definitely increasing in intensity. We decided to go inside for a few minutes so I could get a drink and go to the bathroom before continuing our walk.
As we headed up our front walk I was surprised to see Sarieah and Aden walk by the front door. We went inside and followed them upstairs. Aden was happy to see us and told us all about waking up with “Riah.” I was worried he’d been upset to find us gone, but Sarieah said he hadn’t been scared at all, just a little miffed that we had gone on a walk without him! I held him and gave him a hug, but felt another contraction coming on and quickly handed him to Derek.
That contraction was a doozy, and I felt clammy, weak, and light-headed during it. I attributed it to the temperature change. It had been so gorgeously cool outside, and it seemed warm and stuffy inside the house. I went into the bathroom, where another contraction hit as soon as I sat down on the toilet. I rocked and breathed my way through it with little relief, then nearly passed out when I stood up to leave. I got out the door, told Sarieah that I needed to sit down for a minute until I felt better, and she helped me into the bedroom.
I sat on the edge of the bed, bent over a bit with my head resting on my hands. Derek came in from Aden’s room and went to get me some water while Sarieah stayed with me through another contraction or two. After removing my jacket I still felt clammy, dizzy, and miserably uncomfortable. My lower back began to hurt, accompanying the pains underneath my belly. I began moaning loudly during the contractions. Sarieah sensed the panic that was welling up within me and looked into my eyes, trying to help me focus. Derek returned with the water. It didn’t help much and I was on the edge of losing control. Sarieah found a rice bag in our basket of birth supplies and began applying counter pressure to my back. I felt overwhelmed by the sudden ache there. I managed to say that I thought maybe a shower sounded good. I could envision being in the shower with water pressure beating on my back but I wasn’t sure whether I could stand up without passing out, so Derek suggested a bath and I agreed. Sarieah left to start it while I tried futilely to give Derek directions of what oils I wanted in the bath. He left to tell Sarieah but returned saying she had it all taken care of. I got undressed with his help and walked down the hall to the bathroom. I was past the point of caring whether I was naked or who might see me; I was just desperate to get into the bathtub. I sunk into the hot bath with relief. It smelled wonderful in there and the warmth and scents were soothing.
I sat cross-legged in the bathtub facing out the side so I could lean forward and rest against the edge of the tub. As in my previous labor, I had to have a position leaning forward to help with the intense contractions emanating from the underneath of my belly. But the back labor was new. With each contraction Sarieah used the rice bag to put pressure on my lower back while whispering to me softly about what a great job I was doing. Shortly after I got into the tub I asked what time it was, and was told that it was 6:05. I was working hard and vocalizing loudly through the contractions, but felt more comfortable and more in control than I had in the bedroom.
Derek was with Aden again and they both came in to see me. Right as Aden walked in a huge contraction hit and I was so worried that I would scare him with my noise, although we had done everything we could to prepare him. He was not upset, but not terribly interested in staying in the room with me either. I didn’t want Aden to be alone but I needed Derek to stay with me, so Sarieah showed Derek how she’d been applying pressure to my back and then she took Aden to his room to help him get dressed.
My labor was getting very intense and I began to turn inward. The contractions were long and beginning to arrive one on top of the other, with little time in between to make eye contact and get support from Derek. I was starting to feel like I didn’t want to do it anymore, but I simultaneously knew that the very thought meant I was getting so close to the end. That knowledge was comforting but I desperately wanted Fran to arrive, to help me through this. Almost as soon as the thought formed in my mind, she was here. I was relieved to see her and knew that Sarieah and Derek were too. She stayed with me through a contraction and then asked me how I was doing, and I told her that I was beginning to feel that I couldn’t do this much longer. With a voice of experience she replied, “That’s because you don’t have much longer. You’re working hard to get your baby out. She’s going to be here soon.”
It was shortly after 6:15 and Fran had been here for only a few minutes when I realized my mom was here now too. She checked in on me and then took over the job of entertaining Aden, who was much more excited about “Mimi’s” arrival than the impending arrival of his sister. Fran left the bathroom to begin unpacking her birth bag while Sarieah and Derek continued to kneel by the bathtub with me. The contractions were becoming so overwhelming that I needed both of them to anchor me. Their double pressure on both my back and the underside of my belly was barely enough as I bellowed my way through each wave of clenching hot pain. In between, I was vaguely aware of Fran rustling papers and unwrapping supplies in our tiny, warm, dimly lit bathroom.
Around 6:30, I moaned through another contraction and the feelings changed. After it was over I let them know that I was beginning to feel pushy. Fran knew it would be difficult to birth in the position I was in (still sitting cross-legged in our little tub) and subtly asked if I thought I wanted to move. I was certain that I did not want to have my baby in this tiny bathroom, but the thought of moving did not sound appealing either so I decided to try an all-fours position in the bathtub. I shifted around and Fran called my mom and Aden into the bathroom so they wouldn’t miss the birth. To this day I am not sure how a laboring woman, 4 adults, and a 2 ½-year-old all fit into our bathroom, but everyone who was important to me was there and that was what mattered.
The next contraction came and I immediately knew that this position would not work for me. Fran told me I would feel her hand as she checked where the baby was—the first internal exam she had ever given me—but I was lost in that miserable contraction. As soon as I could speak I told them I didn’t want to be in there anymore, I wanted to move. In her calm and agreeable voice Fran asked where I thought I would like to be, so they could prepare a path for me. Throughout my pregnancy, whenever I imagined my pushing phase, the only position that felt right was kneeling against the side of my bed. I knew I wanted to go there, and just hoped it would feel as right as it had during months of mental imagery. Hesitantly I told them where I wanted to be, and while Mom and Aden retreated out of the way and Fran and Derek began moving supplies, Sarieah helped me out of the tub.
All of my energy was focused on getting to my room but as soon as I stepped out of the tub I felt another contraction begin and I panicked. I couldn’t deal with a contraction in that position and felt vulnerable standing there. Frantically I began to say, “Oh no, another one, I can’t! I can’t do this here!” but Sarieah and Fran supported me, breathed with me, and talked me down. Alone in the bathroom, we slow-danced and when I was ready they helped me to my bedroom.
When we got there I continued to stand and slow-dance, supported by Derek in front and Sarieah behind. With each contraction I leaned on Derek while Sarieah continued to apply counter pressure to my back. They told me many times that I was doing beautifully and Fran reminded me during one contraction to “follow it down.” I continued to feel pushy and was completely immersed in the moment but these contractions, while still intense, were in retrospect a brief lull—a moment of calm. After ten minutes, Fran suggested bending my knees and going down during the next contraction, but I tried it and instantly recoiled. It hurt, and I didn’t feel secure. After that I moved into the kneeling position beside the bed that I had been envisioning for so long.
I knelt facing the bed, resting my head and arms on it. Derek sat on one side holding my hand and Sarieah was on my other side, continuing to provide pressure on my back while whispering encouragements into my ear. With each contraction Fran reminded me to let go and let my baby down. I felt my body opening up and pushing but at the end of each contraction I would tense up again, unable to totally relinquish control. Fran told me that my baby was coming down really nicely and she helped me envision letting myself get bigger, big enough for my baby to come out. Finally, 3 ½ hours after labor began, the sensations built up to an overwhelming depth and I gave my first push.
I had planned to breathe my baby out, had imagined feeling calm as I relaxed my muscles and let her out slowly into the world with gentle controlled pushes. Instead, I yelled, “I gotta poop! Am I pooping?” as I fought to breathe and stay open and release the tension that kept pulling the baby back up. After 3 pushes, I asked what time it was. Fran and Sarieah respond simultaneously with “Almost time for your baby” while Derek told me what I wanted to hear—that it was 6:55. I gave another loud push, hollering, “Oh God! It hurts! It’s burning!” at which point I scared the bejeezus out of our cat, which had apparently been hiding under the bed all along. Derek had to get up and let her out of the room.
I kept pushing but I felt like I couldn’t let the baby out, that I was not doing it right, that I couldn’t stop pulling her back up. Fran reassured me that I was doing great and working hard, that I was doing some stretching and the baby’s head was doing some molding. Sarieah reminded me that my body knew what it was doing. It seemed like I was pushing for an eternity, and I thought about how it had only taken me 20 minutes to push Aden out and this baby was taking so incredibly much longer. Finally Fran asked, “Can you feel your baby, Tara?” and I responded “Yeah… no…” because it was hard for me to tell at first what was me and what was my baby’s head. But then I realized that I was touching her head, her soft, scrunched up scalp, and that I was actually feeling her for the first time. It was a moment of wonder, a simple flash where the baby suddenly changed from being part of me to being separate, and I realized that I was almost there.
I asked for Aden and my mom, afraid they would miss the birth, but then I could not bear to let Derek leave my side long enough to get them. Sarieah started to get them instead but Fran stopped her, telling her that we needed to focus and get the baby out first. Another push and my water broke with a few big spurts, drenching Fran. My mom asked from the other side of the door whether we wanted them to come in and then the baby’s head was out, and as quick as Fran could say, “Okay, you can come in!” the body quickly slid out too. I said, “She’s out! She’s out!” and asked “Is it a girl?” Fran said she didn’t know yet but as I craned my head around to look she said, “Feels like a baby girl to me!” It was only 7:03.
I continued to look behind me at Fran and the baby as she rubbed her back and did some suctioning. I was so relieved to be done! Only then did I notice the sight and smell of poop on the vinyl tablecloth beneath me, and I asked it was hers or mine. Fran said it was the baby’s, and that it was everywhere but that it was several days old and she was fine. As Fran cleaned her I caught a glimpse of dark hair, purplish skin, and a round bottom… enough to say, “Oh, it’s a girl!” I was so overjoyed and awestruck to see this spirit whom I had known for so long. Finally we all stood up—Derek and Sarieah helping me—and the baby, completely wrapped in towels, was handed between my legs to Derek as I sat down on the edge of the bed. He handed her to me and then leaned over us as I unwrapped her.
I couldn’t see Derek’s face as we looked at our daughter for the first time, but Fran and Sarieah both told me he had the most wonderful expression, a mixture of awe and love and wonder and tears, “almost like a religious experience.” Aden was in the corner of the bedroom with my mom and said quietly, “My baby!” It was a wonderful moment. I was so amazed and so in love, unable to believe I had a daughter but also knowing her instantly, and all I could say was, “Lily, you’re here!”
I wish the story ended there, but really it does not. Five minutes after Lily's birth I had my first afterbirth contraction and it was so strong that it took my breath away. I tried to begin nursing her but a second contraction stopped me. I began to bleed as the placenta separated inside of me, so Fran cut her cord and Sarieah held her while Derek helped me move to the end of the bed to deliver the placenta. Another contraction came and I could no longer remember how to push. At Fran’s suggestion I talked to my body, told it to get rid of the placenta and let it go, and I was able to push. As the placenta slid out there was a great spurt of blood everywhere. In that instant I heard Fran curse, “God damn it! Sorry.” and then her hands were already on me, applying pressure as she instructed me to tell my body not to bleed and told Derek to start nipple stimulation.
A few moments later the near-crisis seemed to be over. I had remained completely calm and Fran was amazed at my reaction. She told me it was the top amount of blood she’d like to see but it seemed to be over and I had just gotten it all out at once. She began to check on Lily when suddenly a great deal more blood and clots were coming out of me. The uterine massage and nipple stimulation instantly resumed and Fran gave Sarieah instructions on a round of tinctures—shepherd’s purse, cayenne, motherwort, blue and black cohosh. I had to hold each under my tongue before I could swallow and my mouth began to burn. They tasted horrible. I drank water and then juice in between but nothing erased the horrible taste. My uterus still wouldn’t stay firm so each time it softened up the cycle was repeated. After ten minutes Fran reassured Derek that I was fine and it was all going to be okay. He responded with, “Oh, I know.” He felt, as I did, that we had such strong faith in both my body and in Fran that neither of us ever felt scared or concerned.
When the bleeding had ceased for a few moments I was finally able to move from the edge of the bed to a more comfortable position where I was propped up with pillows and could nurse my baby. Fran crawled into bed next to me, joking that she would be my best friend for a while, and continued the uterine massage. It hurt but at least I wasn’t bleeding anymore. As I tried to nurse Lily I talked to Fran and Sarieah about what time she had been born and how quickly the pushing stage had gone. Fran told me I only had a tiny tear—“a nick”—that would heal fine on its own.
30 minutes after the birth Fran felt that my bleeding was “within the normal range” and I was “out of the woods—well, at the edge of the woods.” I got another round of tinctures and was encouraged to drink more juice. Lily peed all over me and Sarieah changed her and showed her to my mom and Aden, who had gone downstairs before the placenta arrived and had thankfully missed all of the “excitement.” None of us could get over how gorgeous she was, how beautiful. I gave Derek a kiss. Fran did a thorough newborn exam and announced, much to my surprise, that Lily weighed 9 pounds and 1 ounce! She was 21 inches long and had a 14 inch head circumference and looked perfect.
Sarieah began to clean up the room. Then suddenly I became very faint and nauseated. I could feel myself fading but I roused enough to disagree with Fran when she told Derek to call an ambulance. I was determined that I did not need to go to the hospital and that I especially was not going to take an ambulance there. But Fran was truly concerned about me, worrying that she had missed something since my bleeding had stopped yet I was still getting worse. So they called anyway, let my mom know what was going on, and began making plans for getting us all to the hospital.
Right before the ambulance arrived I threw up and immediately felt better. I continued to argue that I did not want to take the ambulance, that I really was fine and there was no reason to take an ambulance to the hospital. I would go to the hospital if Fran thought I should but I was dead-set that we would go in our own car. I was fine, dammit, and I just wanted to stay home with my baby. Fran responded equally stubbornly that if I was well enough to go in my own car then there was no reason to go at all, and if I truly needed to go she was not going to risk a car ride. By this time I was spirited enough that any worries about me had subsided, but Fran, Derek, and Sarieah remained firm that I should at least be checked by the EMTs and that it was then my decision whether to accept or decline treatment. I grudgingly agreed to this.
Three EMTs arrived and Derek met them at the door to ask that they be as quiet and unobtrusive as possible because of our new baby. The senior EMT knew both Derek and Sarieah from volunteer work and he was incredibly conscientious and kind to us all, and even asked his younger partners to stay downstairs out of respect for our wishes. He checked my blood pressure and asked me some questions including how far postpartum I was. I glanced at the clock and said that my baby had been born about 2 hours before, and only then did he realize that we had just had a homebirth in that very room. The brief look of confusion on his face was funny but he handled it very gracefully. He soon agreed that I was fine and could stay home and they left.
All was well again, and this time it stayed well too. Our new little family was finally able to relax and get to know each other. At the end of the day Aden crawled into our bed in his jammies to read a bedtime story to Lily. She laid there watching him intently as he read to her, and then he gave her a kiss as if she had always been a part of his life. As I went to sleep that night, in my own bed with my precious new baby tucked in beside me, I realized that I felt the same way. My baby was here with me, sleeping perfectly beside me, and it had happened in a way that felt as natural as breathing. It felt wonderful, and I am still awed by the magic and beauty of her birth. I can't wait to discover the rest of her story.
I got up to pee and then went back to bed to wait for another contraction. It was a long 17 minutes before the pain and pricklies began again. Already it took all of my attention as I gently breathed through it. I decided I would try to go back to sleep before the next contraction, but 4 or 5 minutes later another one began. After it was over I woke up Derek and said, “I think I’m having real contractions!” When he found out I’d only had 3 contractions he asked if he could go back to sleep! I agreed that staying in bed and getting some rest was a good idea, until another contraction came only 4 minutes later. At that point I decided that maybe it would be a better idea to get up and start preparing. This was really happening!
Derek went to call our midwife, Fran, while I went to the bathroom again. This time I had some bloody show, a wonderful confirmation that my body was really starting to work. By the time I left the bathroom I’d had several more contractions so I told Derek that Fran shouldn’t wait too long before leaving Lawrence. She said she would be here by 6:00. Then we went back to the bedroom and Derek called our friend and doula, Sarieah, who said she could be over in 40 minutes. I was leaning on my dresser breathing through another contraction at that point and thought that 40 minutes was a long time to wait! Derek began to get the bed ready while I went to post a quick message to some online friends. As I was sitting at the computer, one hour into my labor, I realized my contractions were coming every 3 minutes. They were not much more intense than when I first awoke, but I was surprised at the frequency and hoped it meant my labor would progress fairly quickly.
I went back to the bedroom, helped Derek finish making the bed, and decided it was time to call my mom. Although she was a bit nervous about our homebirth plans, we had decided that she was the absolute best person to be with Aden during my labor. I could hear the excitement in her voice when she answered the phone. I said “Hi Mom!” and she immediately asked, “Is this it?” I told her it was, what had been going on so far, that Fran and Sarieah were on their way, and that she didn’t need to hurry since we expected Aden to sleep for a while longer. She said she would leave as soon as she could and try to get here shortly after 6:00.
It was around 4:30 when I got off the phone. I asked Derek to bring me a bowl of cereal and something to drink. My contractions slowed down as I sat on the bed eating, which was nice but also had me a little concerned. It couldn’t be a false alarm, could it? Luckily Sarieah arrived just as I was finishing my cereal. I was so excited to see her! She brought an aura of wonderful energy to the room and suggested that Derek and I go for a walk in the gorgeous pre-dawn morning. I had been thinking the same thing so I put on my shoes and a jacket and Derek and I headed out the door while Sarieah stayed home with the still-sleeping Aden.
The weather outside was beautiful. It was still dark and a little cool. As we headed down our block it felt so amazing to be walking around outside, with this big exciting event happening to us, while all of our neighbors slept on, oblivious inside their homes. A few lonely cars drove by and I wondered what they thought of us, or if they had any clue what was happening. At one point we walked by a huge honeysuckle bush and stopped for a few moments to savor its sweet fragrance. We paused every so often when a contraction came so I could lean into Derek and breathe through them. I discovered that the warmth and pressure of his hand provided a wonderful distraction to the pains underneath my belly, so when I announced that a contraction was starting he would cradle my belly with one hand while supporting me with his other arm around my back. Slowly we made our way around the block, and as we neared our house the contractions were definitely increasing in intensity. We decided to go inside for a few minutes so I could get a drink and go to the bathroom before continuing our walk.
As we headed up our front walk I was surprised to see Sarieah and Aden walk by the front door. We went inside and followed them upstairs. Aden was happy to see us and told us all about waking up with “Riah.” I was worried he’d been upset to find us gone, but Sarieah said he hadn’t been scared at all, just a little miffed that we had gone on a walk without him! I held him and gave him a hug, but felt another contraction coming on and quickly handed him to Derek.
That contraction was a doozy, and I felt clammy, weak, and light-headed during it. I attributed it to the temperature change. It had been so gorgeously cool outside, and it seemed warm and stuffy inside the house. I went into the bathroom, where another contraction hit as soon as I sat down on the toilet. I rocked and breathed my way through it with little relief, then nearly passed out when I stood up to leave. I got out the door, told Sarieah that I needed to sit down for a minute until I felt better, and she helped me into the bedroom.
I sat on the edge of the bed, bent over a bit with my head resting on my hands. Derek came in from Aden’s room and went to get me some water while Sarieah stayed with me through another contraction or two. After removing my jacket I still felt clammy, dizzy, and miserably uncomfortable. My lower back began to hurt, accompanying the pains underneath my belly. I began moaning loudly during the contractions. Sarieah sensed the panic that was welling up within me and looked into my eyes, trying to help me focus. Derek returned with the water. It didn’t help much and I was on the edge of losing control. Sarieah found a rice bag in our basket of birth supplies and began applying counter pressure to my back. I felt overwhelmed by the sudden ache there. I managed to say that I thought maybe a shower sounded good. I could envision being in the shower with water pressure beating on my back but I wasn’t sure whether I could stand up without passing out, so Derek suggested a bath and I agreed. Sarieah left to start it while I tried futilely to give Derek directions of what oils I wanted in the bath. He left to tell Sarieah but returned saying she had it all taken care of. I got undressed with his help and walked down the hall to the bathroom. I was past the point of caring whether I was naked or who might see me; I was just desperate to get into the bathtub. I sunk into the hot bath with relief. It smelled wonderful in there and the warmth and scents were soothing.
I sat cross-legged in the bathtub facing out the side so I could lean forward and rest against the edge of the tub. As in my previous labor, I had to have a position leaning forward to help with the intense contractions emanating from the underneath of my belly. But the back labor was new. With each contraction Sarieah used the rice bag to put pressure on my lower back while whispering to me softly about what a great job I was doing. Shortly after I got into the tub I asked what time it was, and was told that it was 6:05. I was working hard and vocalizing loudly through the contractions, but felt more comfortable and more in control than I had in the bedroom.
Derek was with Aden again and they both came in to see me. Right as Aden walked in a huge contraction hit and I was so worried that I would scare him with my noise, although we had done everything we could to prepare him. He was not upset, but not terribly interested in staying in the room with me either. I didn’t want Aden to be alone but I needed Derek to stay with me, so Sarieah showed Derek how she’d been applying pressure to my back and then she took Aden to his room to help him get dressed.
My labor was getting very intense and I began to turn inward. The contractions were long and beginning to arrive one on top of the other, with little time in between to make eye contact and get support from Derek. I was starting to feel like I didn’t want to do it anymore, but I simultaneously knew that the very thought meant I was getting so close to the end. That knowledge was comforting but I desperately wanted Fran to arrive, to help me through this. Almost as soon as the thought formed in my mind, she was here. I was relieved to see her and knew that Sarieah and Derek were too. She stayed with me through a contraction and then asked me how I was doing, and I told her that I was beginning to feel that I couldn’t do this much longer. With a voice of experience she replied, “That’s because you don’t have much longer. You’re working hard to get your baby out. She’s going to be here soon.”
It was shortly after 6:15 and Fran had been here for only a few minutes when I realized my mom was here now too. She checked in on me and then took over the job of entertaining Aden, who was much more excited about “Mimi’s” arrival than the impending arrival of his sister. Fran left the bathroom to begin unpacking her birth bag while Sarieah and Derek continued to kneel by the bathtub with me. The contractions were becoming so overwhelming that I needed both of them to anchor me. Their double pressure on both my back and the underside of my belly was barely enough as I bellowed my way through each wave of clenching hot pain. In between, I was vaguely aware of Fran rustling papers and unwrapping supplies in our tiny, warm, dimly lit bathroom.
Around 6:30, I moaned through another contraction and the feelings changed. After it was over I let them know that I was beginning to feel pushy. Fran knew it would be difficult to birth in the position I was in (still sitting cross-legged in our little tub) and subtly asked if I thought I wanted to move. I was certain that I did not want to have my baby in this tiny bathroom, but the thought of moving did not sound appealing either so I decided to try an all-fours position in the bathtub. I shifted around and Fran called my mom and Aden into the bathroom so they wouldn’t miss the birth. To this day I am not sure how a laboring woman, 4 adults, and a 2 ½-year-old all fit into our bathroom, but everyone who was important to me was there and that was what mattered.
The next contraction came and I immediately knew that this position would not work for me. Fran told me I would feel her hand as she checked where the baby was—the first internal exam she had ever given me—but I was lost in that miserable contraction. As soon as I could speak I told them I didn’t want to be in there anymore, I wanted to move. In her calm and agreeable voice Fran asked where I thought I would like to be, so they could prepare a path for me. Throughout my pregnancy, whenever I imagined my pushing phase, the only position that felt right was kneeling against the side of my bed. I knew I wanted to go there, and just hoped it would feel as right as it had during months of mental imagery. Hesitantly I told them where I wanted to be, and while Mom and Aden retreated out of the way and Fran and Derek began moving supplies, Sarieah helped me out of the tub.
All of my energy was focused on getting to my room but as soon as I stepped out of the tub I felt another contraction begin and I panicked. I couldn’t deal with a contraction in that position and felt vulnerable standing there. Frantically I began to say, “Oh no, another one, I can’t! I can’t do this here!” but Sarieah and Fran supported me, breathed with me, and talked me down. Alone in the bathroom, we slow-danced and when I was ready they helped me to my bedroom.
When we got there I continued to stand and slow-dance, supported by Derek in front and Sarieah behind. With each contraction I leaned on Derek while Sarieah continued to apply counter pressure to my back. They told me many times that I was doing beautifully and Fran reminded me during one contraction to “follow it down.” I continued to feel pushy and was completely immersed in the moment but these contractions, while still intense, were in retrospect a brief lull—a moment of calm. After ten minutes, Fran suggested bending my knees and going down during the next contraction, but I tried it and instantly recoiled. It hurt, and I didn’t feel secure. After that I moved into the kneeling position beside the bed that I had been envisioning for so long.
I knelt facing the bed, resting my head and arms on it. Derek sat on one side holding my hand and Sarieah was on my other side, continuing to provide pressure on my back while whispering encouragements into my ear. With each contraction Fran reminded me to let go and let my baby down. I felt my body opening up and pushing but at the end of each contraction I would tense up again, unable to totally relinquish control. Fran told me that my baby was coming down really nicely and she helped me envision letting myself get bigger, big enough for my baby to come out. Finally, 3 ½ hours after labor began, the sensations built up to an overwhelming depth and I gave my first push.
I had planned to breathe my baby out, had imagined feeling calm as I relaxed my muscles and let her out slowly into the world with gentle controlled pushes. Instead, I yelled, “I gotta poop! Am I pooping?” as I fought to breathe and stay open and release the tension that kept pulling the baby back up. After 3 pushes, I asked what time it was. Fran and Sarieah respond simultaneously with “Almost time for your baby” while Derek told me what I wanted to hear—that it was 6:55. I gave another loud push, hollering, “Oh God! It hurts! It’s burning!” at which point I scared the bejeezus out of our cat, which had apparently been hiding under the bed all along. Derek had to get up and let her out of the room.
I kept pushing but I felt like I couldn’t let the baby out, that I was not doing it right, that I couldn’t stop pulling her back up. Fran reassured me that I was doing great and working hard, that I was doing some stretching and the baby’s head was doing some molding. Sarieah reminded me that my body knew what it was doing. It seemed like I was pushing for an eternity, and I thought about how it had only taken me 20 minutes to push Aden out and this baby was taking so incredibly much longer. Finally Fran asked, “Can you feel your baby, Tara?” and I responded “Yeah… no…” because it was hard for me to tell at first what was me and what was my baby’s head. But then I realized that I was touching her head, her soft, scrunched up scalp, and that I was actually feeling her for the first time. It was a moment of wonder, a simple flash where the baby suddenly changed from being part of me to being separate, and I realized that I was almost there.
I asked for Aden and my mom, afraid they would miss the birth, but then I could not bear to let Derek leave my side long enough to get them. Sarieah started to get them instead but Fran stopped her, telling her that we needed to focus and get the baby out first. Another push and my water broke with a few big spurts, drenching Fran. My mom asked from the other side of the door whether we wanted them to come in and then the baby’s head was out, and as quick as Fran could say, “Okay, you can come in!” the body quickly slid out too. I said, “She’s out! She’s out!” and asked “Is it a girl?” Fran said she didn’t know yet but as I craned my head around to look she said, “Feels like a baby girl to me!” It was only 7:03.
I continued to look behind me at Fran and the baby as she rubbed her back and did some suctioning. I was so relieved to be done! Only then did I notice the sight and smell of poop on the vinyl tablecloth beneath me, and I asked it was hers or mine. Fran said it was the baby’s, and that it was everywhere but that it was several days old and she was fine. As Fran cleaned her I caught a glimpse of dark hair, purplish skin, and a round bottom… enough to say, “Oh, it’s a girl!” I was so overjoyed and awestruck to see this spirit whom I had known for so long. Finally we all stood up—Derek and Sarieah helping me—and the baby, completely wrapped in towels, was handed between my legs to Derek as I sat down on the edge of the bed. He handed her to me and then leaned over us as I unwrapped her.
I couldn’t see Derek’s face as we looked at our daughter for the first time, but Fran and Sarieah both told me he had the most wonderful expression, a mixture of awe and love and wonder and tears, “almost like a religious experience.” Aden was in the corner of the bedroom with my mom and said quietly, “My baby!” It was a wonderful moment. I was so amazed and so in love, unable to believe I had a daughter but also knowing her instantly, and all I could say was, “Lily, you’re here!”
I wish the story ended there, but really it does not. Five minutes after Lily's birth I had my first afterbirth contraction and it was so strong that it took my breath away. I tried to begin nursing her but a second contraction stopped me. I began to bleed as the placenta separated inside of me, so Fran cut her cord and Sarieah held her while Derek helped me move to the end of the bed to deliver the placenta. Another contraction came and I could no longer remember how to push. At Fran’s suggestion I talked to my body, told it to get rid of the placenta and let it go, and I was able to push. As the placenta slid out there was a great spurt of blood everywhere. In that instant I heard Fran curse, “God damn it! Sorry.” and then her hands were already on me, applying pressure as she instructed me to tell my body not to bleed and told Derek to start nipple stimulation.
A few moments later the near-crisis seemed to be over. I had remained completely calm and Fran was amazed at my reaction. She told me it was the top amount of blood she’d like to see but it seemed to be over and I had just gotten it all out at once. She began to check on Lily when suddenly a great deal more blood and clots were coming out of me. The uterine massage and nipple stimulation instantly resumed and Fran gave Sarieah instructions on a round of tinctures—shepherd’s purse, cayenne, motherwort, blue and black cohosh. I had to hold each under my tongue before I could swallow and my mouth began to burn. They tasted horrible. I drank water and then juice in between but nothing erased the horrible taste. My uterus still wouldn’t stay firm so each time it softened up the cycle was repeated. After ten minutes Fran reassured Derek that I was fine and it was all going to be okay. He responded with, “Oh, I know.” He felt, as I did, that we had such strong faith in both my body and in Fran that neither of us ever felt scared or concerned.
When the bleeding had ceased for a few moments I was finally able to move from the edge of the bed to a more comfortable position where I was propped up with pillows and could nurse my baby. Fran crawled into bed next to me, joking that she would be my best friend for a while, and continued the uterine massage. It hurt but at least I wasn’t bleeding anymore. As I tried to nurse Lily I talked to Fran and Sarieah about what time she had been born and how quickly the pushing stage had gone. Fran told me I only had a tiny tear—“a nick”—that would heal fine on its own.
30 minutes after the birth Fran felt that my bleeding was “within the normal range” and I was “out of the woods—well, at the edge of the woods.” I got another round of tinctures and was encouraged to drink more juice. Lily peed all over me and Sarieah changed her and showed her to my mom and Aden, who had gone downstairs before the placenta arrived and had thankfully missed all of the “excitement.” None of us could get over how gorgeous she was, how beautiful. I gave Derek a kiss. Fran did a thorough newborn exam and announced, much to my surprise, that Lily weighed 9 pounds and 1 ounce! She was 21 inches long and had a 14 inch head circumference and looked perfect.
Sarieah began to clean up the room. Then suddenly I became very faint and nauseated. I could feel myself fading but I roused enough to disagree with Fran when she told Derek to call an ambulance. I was determined that I did not need to go to the hospital and that I especially was not going to take an ambulance there. But Fran was truly concerned about me, worrying that she had missed something since my bleeding had stopped yet I was still getting worse. So they called anyway, let my mom know what was going on, and began making plans for getting us all to the hospital.
Right before the ambulance arrived I threw up and immediately felt better. I continued to argue that I did not want to take the ambulance, that I really was fine and there was no reason to take an ambulance to the hospital. I would go to the hospital if Fran thought I should but I was dead-set that we would go in our own car. I was fine, dammit, and I just wanted to stay home with my baby. Fran responded equally stubbornly that if I was well enough to go in my own car then there was no reason to go at all, and if I truly needed to go she was not going to risk a car ride. By this time I was spirited enough that any worries about me had subsided, but Fran, Derek, and Sarieah remained firm that I should at least be checked by the EMTs and that it was then my decision whether to accept or decline treatment. I grudgingly agreed to this.
Three EMTs arrived and Derek met them at the door to ask that they be as quiet and unobtrusive as possible because of our new baby. The senior EMT knew both Derek and Sarieah from volunteer work and he was incredibly conscientious and kind to us all, and even asked his younger partners to stay downstairs out of respect for our wishes. He checked my blood pressure and asked me some questions including how far postpartum I was. I glanced at the clock and said that my baby had been born about 2 hours before, and only then did he realize that we had just had a homebirth in that very room. The brief look of confusion on his face was funny but he handled it very gracefully. He soon agreed that I was fine and could stay home and they left.
All was well again, and this time it stayed well too. Our new little family was finally able to relax and get to know each other. At the end of the day Aden crawled into our bed in his jammies to read a bedtime story to Lily. She laid there watching him intently as he read to her, and then he gave her a kiss as if she had always been a part of his life. As I went to sleep that night, in my own bed with my precious new baby tucked in beside me, I realized that I felt the same way. My baby was here with me, sleeping perfectly beside me, and it had happened in a way that felt as natural as breathing. It felt wonderful, and I am still awed by the magic and beauty of her birth. I can't wait to discover the rest of her story.
Say hello! (7)
1. a reader left...
Wed, 05-04-05 10:10 pm
Oh Tara,
Well worth the wait! I got totally teary reading about Derek's reaction, and Aden saying "my baby" (which is what Bella calls our baby). You've actually got me looking forward to this upcoming labour for the first time since I ended up in the hospital. Thanks so much for sharing - your strength and your faith in your body are inspirational.
Jeanette
Jeanette [phoenixdoula@yahoo.com]
Jeanette-
Thanks, it is sweet to hear you call me inspirational when it was I who found so much inspiration in your story of Bella's birth. :) I can't wait to hear about your upcoming birth... I wish I could stand in the corner and watch, I know it will be amazing. You have to promise to write the birth story up a little quicker than I did, okay? ;)
Tara
2. a reader left...
Wed, 05-04-05 10:11 pm
Beautiful! I know how much you wanted to have this experience, and it is
truly beautiful from start to finish. I love how you and Derek walked in
the early-morning darkness, all the amazing support that Sarieah gave you,
how Fran took such good care of ALL of you ... what a wonderful "team" you
had. Exactly as it should be. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
And Happy Birthday
Lily!!
Rebekah [rebekahpina@hotmail.com]
Rebekah-
Thank you. It was such an amazing experience. I hope you get to have your perfect birth too one day, with no HELLP syndrome next time! I still have those hypnobirthing tapes whenever you are ready for them :)
Tara
3. a reader left...
Wed, 05-04-05 10:12 pm
*SNIFF*
Happy birthday, Lily!
Jen
Jen H. [jen.hughes@sympatico.ca]
Thanks Jen!
Tara
4. a reader left...
Thu, 05-05-05 12:26 am
Tara,
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been waiting all year and it was definitaly worth the wait. It really was a beautiful story and birth. Sounded like you had such a wonderful support team with you.
Take
care and Happy Birthday Lily,
Sherry
Sherry [babymakesthree2001@yahoo. com]
Sherry-
Aww, thanks. It was such a wonderful birth, I'm glad I could share it with you all. Too bad it took me so long--it was so great hearing about Quinn's birth so quickly after it happened. Oh well, I am a procrastinator at heart! LOL.
Tara
5. a reader left...
Fri, 05-06-05 2:33 am
Wow, your dd is so very beautiful and from the looks of the picture, she
had a beautiful face as a newborn as well. I'm going to take the time to
read your whole story next time I'm reading while nursing--something to
look forward to.
I wanted to ask you a question as well. I've kept up with lurking on your iP diary and I bookmarked your blog when I found it. I then added a link to your blog from my blogs and webpages without asking you first. So, I'm asking you now, is that OK? If not, give the word and it's gone. (Link to main blog provided with this post.)
Love the pigtails. Isn't it amazing how much 'older' your dd looks when her hair is pulled up? That's how I feel about Abby. (Pigtail photos on BF diary.)
Khyraen [khyraen@earthlink.net]
Hi again Khy-
That's what I get for responding to the newest comments first--I didn't realize your blog link was right here! I absolutely didn't mind being linked from your blog. I should always remember to ask people too though... hmmm.
Glad you were able to come back and read the whole thing later! :) It is so nice to be able to share L's birthstory with everyone.
Tara
6. Jennifer left...
Mon, 05-09-05 9:57 am
Tara,
That was just beautiful! I had forgotten I had never heard Lily's story. Glad your little scare resolved quickly. I love what you said in that last paragraph, about Aden and how it was as if she'd always been in your life. I can totally relate- Sarah was super sweet to Josh right from the start. It just felt so RIGHT, so natural, to be at home with our new baby, and welcome him into our family. All my future children will be homebirthed unless a severe circumstance prevents it.
Thanks for sharing, and a big (belated) Happy Birthday to Lily!
Jen
Jennifer-
I know what you mean, there is nothing that compares to homebirth and it would break my heart to have to go to a hospital again. If Derek and I move b/c of work anytime in the next few years, I have already stipulated that we cannot move any further away than my midwife will drive, LOL! Luckily the city we would move too is actually closer to her--good thing as quickly as that last birth went!
Take care.
Tara
7. a reader left...
Mon, 05-23-05 1:37 am
Wow! What a story. I so wish I had had a homebirth w/ Abby. It sounds so
wonderful. I'm glad you didn't have to go to the hospital either. It's so
hard to believe she is already a year old. (Yeah, I finally had time to
read this story and it was worth the wait.)
Hope you write again soon.
Khyraen [khyraen@earthlink.net]
Khy-
It is so good to "see" you over here! I really did love my homebirth, there's no way I could go back to the hospital again. It would break my heart I think.
I need to check in on what's been going on in your family... don't you have a blog now too?
Tara